Help

A watch, that’s what Vicky is always wearing on her wrist. She says she feels naked without it. Everyone knows that. After all, she’s never without it. That is until it broke. That was when she started to always wear long sleeves. Now, that’s not very unusual behavior in the winter, but in the summer it was odd to completely cover up if you weren’t very religious. And Vicky was not very religious. Spiritual, yes, immensely, but she didn’t believe in organized religion. One day, she didn’t realize it, but her sleeve was rolled up. That’s when everyone knew why the sudden change in Vicky’s wardrobe occurred when her watch broke. All along her wrists, clearly evident in the light of the store they both worked in, were little white scars. She didn’t notice and nobody said anything to her. Eventually she, subconsciously, pulled the sleeve down. There was no point in saying anything as far as her coworkers were concerned. Vicky was a nice girl but if anybody brought it up they knew she would just deny it and make up some excuse. Vicky wasn’t a liar in way, shape, or form. But, she was never one to unload her problems on other people. She was very reserved that way. Now they knew why.
But Ella couldn’t stand it. She was the closest person to Vicky in the clothing shop that they both worked in. She knew Vicky well enough to know that odds are nobody else knew her secret. What Ella couldn’t understand was why the topic was taboo. Obviously it should be handled with discretion, but everyone was going on like they never saw those scars on her wrist. Like they didn’t know that every time Vicky became overwhelmed a new one would appear. Eventually she had, had enough. She went up to the manager who had been on duty when Vicky’s secret was revealed. Only the people working that day knew about it. Nobody wanted to see her get sent away to a nut house.
“Why doesn’t anyone talk to her about it? Confront her? Tell her to get help?” Ella asked in a whisper so that Vicky wouldn’t here.
“She’s a big girl. If she wanted help she’d ask for it.” was his response.
“But…”
“No. We are not having this conversation. You can’t tell someone what to do. If she wants help she needs to ask. You can’t just go up to her and confront her. She obviously hasn’t told anyone. If you just blurt it in her face you’ll embarrass and scare her. Then what happens if she tries to kill herself? At least this way the situation is under control.”
“We can’t pretend we never saw anything. Then we’re just letting her hurt herself. What kind of friends are we?”
“The kind that are in a very bad situation.” was his last word to Ella.
Ella went home that day with a lot of thoughts in her head. How could she bring this up with Vicky without hurting her? She couldn’t tell Vicky’s parents, they would disown her. No there had to be a better way. That’s when it hit Ella. She didn’t want to but sometimes being a good friend meant you had to make sacrifices. Vicky had always been there for her. When her father had raped her a year ago, Vicky was the one who took Ella to the police to get a rape kit and get the evidence needed to put that creep away for life. Now it was Ella’s turn to help Vicky and she knew how.
The next day Ella went to work early because she wanted to talk to Vicky before they started their shift. Those two always worked together. They were considered the dynamic duo of the store. She found her in the stock room sitting at the desk and reading a book. She went up to her and lifted her own shirt sleeve. “Vicky, I hurt myself yesterday. I need you to look at it for me” and she held out her arm so that Vicky could see the huge red gash running down it.
“Oh my god! What happened?” Vicky exclaimed, jumping to her feet and grabbing Ella’s arm.
“I was really upset yesterday. My dad called us from prison and I just couldn’t deal with what he had to say.” Ella said trying to put some emotion behind the lie. She had to be convincing, Vicky could always tell when she lied. But at this moment Vicky was entirely preoccupied with the deep red scar on her friend’s arm. Then what Ella had just said hit her.
“Wait. You did this to yourself?” Vicky asked slowly. Ella couldn’t tell what the tone was behind it. Was that anger?
“Yeah I was really upset and didn’t know what to do”
“Stop right there. Since when did you forget how to use the phone? You always call me when you hear from your dad. What happened I’m not a good enough friend for you? You have to go and resort to this?” Vicky exclaimed releasing Ella’s arm. Her arm fell against her body and the scar hurt, but not as much as the pain and betrayal that Ella saw reflected in Vicky’s eyes. She hadn’t thought that, this was how she would take the news. She thought that Vicky would sympathize and finally reveal her scars. That’s why Ella had just permanently marred her arm. She never wanted to hurt Vicky like this.
But Vicky was hurt. She felt completely betrayed. Why didn’t her friend think that she wasn’t good enough anymore? Vicky brought her hand to the back of her neck and began to dig her nails into it. Nobody had ever seen the claw marks on the back of her neck. Her hair was always covering them. But Ella noticed what Vicky was doing. “Wait, what are you doing?” Ella grabbed Vicky’s arm and yanked it away from her neck. She moved Vicky’s hair to the side and saw all the nail marks on her neck. The old white scars and the fresh ones that she had just made.
“I’ve seen you do that before. When Frank or one of them is scolding us you do that.” Ella said as recognition hit her. Vicky didn’t wait till she was in private. What Ella had thought was a nervous habit had actually been Vicky self mutilating, since they first met. Vicky didn’t look up. Her secret was out and she had let it out.
“You feel betrayed by one act of cutting myself. How do you think I felt when I found out about you? Don’t you think I felt a little inadequate knowing my friend had never once trusted me to help her feel better? But left that to her nails and god knows what else.”
“Wait you knew? How long? How did you find out?” Vicky asked, shock on her face. But Ella didn’t get a chance to respond. Frank walked in to the stock room demanding to know what they were doing. ‘Did they forget that they were at work?’ was what he was thinking.
“What are you two doing back here? You’re both late. Clock in and get on the floor. It’s busy this time of day and you know that.”
‘God bless Frank’ was what Ella thought at that moment as she rolled her sleeve down. ‘I don’t know what I would’ve told her. How can I say anything without letting her know that half the store knows about her dirty little secret.’
That afternoon was very awkward for everyone. Neither one would talk to the other. They both used Frank as a go between. Eventually he had, had enough. At closing time he told both of them “You’re acting like five year olds. You are both grown women. Start acting like it and figure this out because I won’t have another day like today. The tension was awful. Get out of here and fix what’s going on between you. You’re both suspended until you can at least be civil with one another.”
When Frank left and it was just the two of them left to talk it became awkward. Ella was about to open her mouth to speak, in order to break the awkward silence but Vicky spoke first. “How long have you known?”
“About two weeks. I’m the only one who knows.” Ella lied but she didn’t want to bring Frank or anyone else into this. “I saw the scars a while ago at work. Your sleeve had been rolled up and I saw the scars. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to confront you about it.”
“Wait so this was your way of doing it?” Vicky said pointing at Ella’s arm. “You permanently scar yourself! For what? In the hopes that I would pour my heart out when I saw them?”
“Yes. You’ve never let me help you. I finally find out why and did the first thing I could think of to help. So sue me for trying to be there for you, for once.”
“I was handling it on my own! I didn’t need anyone’s help.” Vicky retorted.
“Well then I guess you don’t need any friends!” Ella responded. “If you can solve all the world’s problems on your own by giving yourself a few scratches then maybe nobody needs any friends. Maybe I should try it for real and see if it works.”
“No! Don’t be like me! I know that what I’m doing isn’t healthy, so do you. But I don’t know how to ask people for help or tell them when I am sad.” Vicky beseeched.
“I won’t if you stop.”
“I can’t it’s not so easy for me to stop. I’ve tried.”
“So then get help. See a counselor about it.”
“Get help, who do I ask for help?” Vicky asked.
“Your friends” Ella answered.